Tomorrow it will be three weeks since my father died. I often have the sensation when someone dies that I don’t want time to pass; that I don’t want them to move farther back in my life, away from now. Three weeks ago today I sat with him for the last time sometime before 7 p.m., gently rubbing his shoulder. He was asleep, or maybe that should be he was barely conscious. I carried on a conversation with myself, directed at him. He told me in the Summer of 2020 that he didn’t pray or count sheep when he was trying to fall asleep, but instead went through a list of car makes and models, trying to remember as many as he could. On Sunday three weeks ago, I asked him whether he was naming cars, and then I made an effort; Ford, Lincoln, Model T, Pinto, Taurus, Mustang, Toyota, Camry…I laughed and said that I wasn’t a car person and wasn’t as good at it as he was. I also told him that I’d hoped to have a 95^th birthday party for him. I mentioned that I thought it was likely I’d get the promotion I had told him about weeks ago. His face looked like it was smiling somehow. I don’t think it was my imagination.

On Wednesday January 26, the faculty voted unanimously with no abstentions to recommend me for promotion.

Daddy was imaginative. He created two characters, “Speedy” and “Good,” a pair of spiders. He acted out their antics with his hands. It was a moral tale, like most children’s stories. “Speedy” was the mischievous one; “Good” was well-behaved. It sparked me to make a version of Speedy and Good by gluing pipe cleaner legs into walnut half shells and drawing on faces with magic markers.

One of the most beloved memories is of the marionettes. The first two belonged to my sister Janette and brother Michael. Geppetto was hers, Pinocchio was his. I loved them, though, possibly even more than they did, although admittedly, they are dear to us all. As a kid, Pinocchio was my favorite book - the real story by Carlo Collidi, not the Disney version. My father would read a chapter, then work the puppets, acting out the story and other adventures, making up a dialogue between them. He even made a wooden puppet stage and other props for them; memory tells me he borrowed some of the furniture from Janette’s Barbie Dream House. I remember how I protested when they had to go to sleep in their shoebox home at night, to have their strings untangled the following day. Later, they hung from the pole lamp with the colorful hobnail shades, and so needed less untangling.

Over the years those two acquired some peers: a pair of Mexican puppets Michael got in California, and a spaceman complete with green light bulb head that my father made as part of a Halloween costume. The puppet who wanted to be a real boy and his woodcarver father expanded their repertoire and came to America, winning new fans among the grandchildren. In the company of the new marionettes, they adopted names like “Alan Jerkson” and made appearances on a cardboard stage that once was a washing machine box, taking part in a parody of a show on the Nashville Network.

 The semester is beginning and I'm forcing myself to get ready (thank God omicron delayed the start by 5 days) but neither my head nor heart are in it. I feel like I have a split personality -- absolutely conflicted. I feel two polar opposite ways. I'm managing pretty well and simultaneously I am totally not doing OK. I keep thinking of yin and yang, which I teach as spirit/matter. The symbol resonates with me but that description is inadequate.

 This is certainly not the first entry I wanted to make in 2022. My father died a week ago, on January 10. I can't say it was unexpected, but it wasn't something I ever wanted to happen, although of course, I know that is totally unrealistic. Everyone else dies and he wouldn't? He was 94 years & 9 months old; surely a good, long life. People saying meaningless platitudes like that irritate me. I am not sure how the world can go on without him. I keep hoping he will visit me in a dream, the way Mimmie did, but so far that has not happened. In Mimmie's case it wasn't until several months had passed.

 I got my booster on Wednesday and felt lousy yesterday. It was different from the bad experience after shot #2. That time my legs were like rubber bands. This time I was mobile, but tired with stomach pain. No appetite. Today I am recovered but wishing to not have to take shot #4 in six months.

 We watched two movies recently, one on Netflix and one on Amazon prime. The Netflix movie was "Don't Look Up," and it probably was not the best choice for Christmas Eve viewing. The cast was stellar, but it was a very dark comedy that spoke many painful truths, and it left disturbing thoughts that linger. Allegedly it was intended to be a wake-up call on climate change, but I think it could be equally applied to the anti-vax, anti-mask, pandemic deniers, or to anti-intellectual ignorance and shallow aspects of our culture generally. The Amazon movie was "Being the Ricardos." Unlike so many biopics, it did not bash the main characters much, but then it was not exclusively a biopic. Overall it was good, although it focused partially on a tiresome subject that Hollywood loves (the 1950s communist witch hunt).  

Alex Jones is a dangerous nut. Just sayin'. And Fauci gently suggests a vaccine mandate on domestic planes would be good, and the media goes crazy. I say, grow a pair Dr. and tell the airlines, the administration and all the ignorant to get over it.

Recently, in response to media blabbing about "the big resignation" (which is incredibly stupid), Bob has been talking about "the big purge." This is the ignorant voluntarily flushing themselves by succumbing to COVID-19. I am beyond tired of the tyranny of the ignorant. I'm tired of the expectation of PC toleration of their ignorant, self-righteous behavior. F the anti-mask, anti-vax, anti-distancing, virus=hoax idiots.

 Grades for Fall almost done! Yay, almost.

 Ignorance & Want. Thinking about this today; there is a bigger reason that I won't detail (has to do with anti-vax, anti-mask loud-mouths who in some cases have given it to others who are naive and vulnerable - and they died recently), but the mask mandate went into effect (glad the governor finally grew a pair) and the cretins are agitating again...and businesses are apologizing. Really? I am tired of being controlled by morons. The clip resonates -- we should not stay silent but it is so hard to do otherwise during these scary times.

The Chancellor resigned. In the memo, the part about being a SUNY alumnus really spoke to me. I don't blame him for exiting even though I hate that the talent is caving into the ignorant, opportunistic, and unethical while we are still in a pandemic - the biggest challenge of our lifetime. We are in scary times. I am sick over what media and politics have done to Andrew Cuomo, Chris Cuomo and now the Chancellor. I've no doubt all three could be jerks to work for but this witch hunt to cancel everything associated with the former governor is ridiculous.Someone (who?) must have perceived him as a major threat. Also disturbing is that many elected officials who join the media-initiated stone throwing are in the same party as the chosen target. But, one piece of good news late today: The AG is not going to run for governor. Yay! Now she has to prosecute all these dud cases. LOL. I hope Cuomo's defense team rips her to shreds.

Harry & Bailey are "0" on the cat-reactive scale, but Bindi is > 0. Despite this, Noah is making slow progress. This week he has appeared in the living room for a few minutes each evening with all of us present, and today he has ventured up to my office and is sleeping on a plush futon that once was Edna's and then Teddy's. Bindi has come in twice with a wrinkled forehead to investigate, hoping for a sniff, but Noah hid behind my desk. So Bindi left and he went back to the heirloom futon.

I had heard the Chancellor was on the way out -- and today the news confirms it. The only thing that surprises me is that so far the AG hasn't located someone willing to manufacture a sex charge against him so she can continue her crusade of innocent until accused.

 Omicron -- the media idiots confusion about how to pronounce it. "Dr. Jen" said "omicon" (all that botox must have reduced her mental capacity) and David Muir stumbled around trying to explain.

Bob noticed a new season of Bluebloods had started, so the past week or so we have been
streaming episodes. I know months ago I wrote about the first episode of season 11 -- that I thought the
show should have gracefully vanished after season 10 as planned and that the way COVID-19 was
handled was outrageous. I've had some issues with the show over time, but in recent years it has
become almost a parody. If season 11 was bad, the episode we watched last night, number 6 I think of
season 12, stooped to a new low in terms of offensiveness. Every story was negative, and of course
the main characters are so smug.

 I know I post this sentiment almost every year, but I so miss this machine. There was such a feeling of power when yanking the big lever to open the curtain and hearing the sound of simultaneous clicks as the vote was recorded. I also miss that little display of the ballot in the cute blue/green mini machine. I early voted this year and got a sticker, but filling in the Scantron ballot in a cardboard folder with a Sharpie doesn't elicit the same emotion.

 

I shared this on Facebook but didn't include this part. The bad feeling about voting isn't helped by the abundance of races that are not contested locally, or by the contested elections where the race is to the bottom in terms of the toxic tone. I cannot comprehend the awful mailers.
 

I have two topics in mind, one COVID-19 related (in a strange way) and one not. On October 15, while I was in my graduate class on Zoom, I got a text message from a friend from K-12 days. It said her brother had died of COVID-19 (not vaxxed) that morning after 22 days on a vent. He had a bonded pair of female Beagles, and the plan was to take them to a shelter. She lives in another state and did not want that to happen. I think it is likely they would have found homes, but she did not want them separated. So I told Bob, and we adopted them. We picked them up an hour north of where we live, in the same town where the shelter is that Rosie and Harry came from! They are darling, and Harry is happy. Several weeks ago I tried to adopt a nine year old Beagle mix that I saw on Petfinder, and the rescue denied me! I told myself that day that my next sweetheart would find me -- and I was right X2!

 

This is the other subject I wanted to write about for a while. We watched the Netflix limited original series "Maid" recently. The book Nickel & Dimes was better, but the series was binge-worthy, interesting, provocative. Not to minimize the domestic abuse issue or gloss over the struggles of the poor, but a couple of things irritated me. First, the actress who played the lead did not seem like a hard-working but impoverished single mom. She seemed like a Vassar co-ed. Second, the character struck me as manipulative with a big entitled attitude. She so reminded me of Donna that I felt angry. Donna was alcoholic, bulimic, a victim of various types of abuse but also a master of manipulation with a huge chip on her shoulder. I guess it is finally okay to mention Donna, another friend from K-12 times, since she has been dead for over six years. She caused me a lot of heartache for over 40 years and she socially ruined high school for me. She was mean to a lot of other kids. I think the character in the series would have many more serious flaws than shown, along the lines of Donna (plus smoking cigarettes).

I am an early adopter of online teaching and learning and have been experimenting with remote delivery and alternative approaches since the 1990s, so when everyone everywhere "flipped" in March 2020, it wasn't that traumatic for me or for students who were taking my classes. Content ranged from 50-75% web-based before COVID-19. Since then it's 100%. I don't plan to go back to the physical classroom even post-pandemic (assuming that time ever comes ). I'll tell you a secret. My classes are *better* now. Radical redesign has been cathartic for me and students. Converting some classroom activities is challenging trial and error. Every semester since Spring 2020 I've been trying to figure out how to effectively play the game Set in small groups over Zoom. I use it to teach qualitative analysis and it was always a fun day in the classroom but I haven't been satisfied with the online approach. Yesterday I think I figured it out!! It's the plan for Thursday's class so stay tuned.

 I had to un-follow a couple more people on Facebook. Not due to anything specifically political or COVID related, just because their MOA is constant sharing of whiny, complaining, kvetching, patronizing memes. One today was about not correcting people's spelling or grammar because it reinforces hierarchy. WTF. I don't correct people's spelling or grammar because I am nice and don't sweat the small stuff. However I do correct spelling, punctuation, grammar, word choice, faulty logic on student papers because that's my job, I teach and yes I am a better writer and also have more education.

 Today I am 60 years old. Happy birthday to me.

 This week I am uneasy. Two of my "friends" (I always use scare quotes when I am referring to the Facebook variety) have COVID-19. One is from high school. We were not "best" friends, but my hometown is not a big place, and we attended the same elementary school that fed into a larger centralized high school, so I have known this woman since Kindergarten. She has been married for many years, and this summer took a vacation to Florida to celebrate the milestone. She shared many pictures of their trip, then yesterday, she resurfaced after a couple of weeks' silence to report that she has had COVID for over two weeks. When I saw her beach sunset pictures, I thought it was unwise to take a holiday in the coronavirus capital of the nation, but since I don't engage in that sort of dialogue, I un-followed her. I had not done that before, because although I am aware she has views that conflict with mine, she is not in the habit of writing controversial, argumentative, or political posts. But, the post about being very sick generated many comments from others, some of whom are also my "friends." There was a variety of perspectives, and no one got into a fight, but someone asked if she was vaccinated, and another asked how she got it. She said she is not vaccinated, and that she thought she got it from her husband, who got it from the plane ride home. Then she was asked if she wore a mask on the plane, and she said, yes, except when they ate and drank, and also the plane was packed. Someone responded, I guess masks don't work. The original "friend" has always been a lovely person inside and out, and she did not engage, but that commenter, my "friend," and two other mutual "friends," all of whom attended school with me, make up what I call the idiot quartet. They have become quite conservative (and have married extremely right-wing men), have always been physically gorgeous, are mostly nice (some more than others), and they are hard-line true believers in their POV (religious, political, social). So, no vaccine under any circumstances, virus is overblown, conspiracy theorists make valid points, and I suspect if they succumbed they would say it was God's will, they are living true to their beliefs. Last night, bothered by the situation, I wondered if they would change if their child or grandchild was dangerously ill. Going back to getting it on the plane, that is the likely place, although depending on what they did on that celebratory vacation, given that it was in Florida and they were there for 2-3 weeks...but she would not go there. No doubt she & her husband will be first in line to endorse governor cretin should he manage to mount a campaign.

The other "friend" is someone I met more recently. She is a neighbor and acquaintance. I un-followed her a while ago because of political posts. She is as lefty as the idiot quartet is righty, one of those blue no matter who types, which to me is an equally ignorant perspective to the idiot quartet's. She got a breakthrough case, and was not as sick as my other "friend," but it wasn't fun for a few days. She blamed it on the waning effectiveness of the vaccine and her comorbidity (obesity), but then admits she had gotten lax in her behaviors (mask-wearing, distancing, gatherings). If you are wondering how I know either story, to pull off un-follow (not un-friend), one has to occasionally drop in and see what's up. That's what I did yesterday with the anti-vaxxer. The lefty neighbor I heard about through regular gossip, so I checked her page to confirm.